Oh man...

hmmm....

Im starting to hate school more and more.

I wish it were all over. Yet. I don't want it to be over. I never want school to be over.
I just want to get rid of everybody. Everybody in my classes, everybody in the hallway, and even everyone of my few friends.
I don't want either of them.

All they do is insult me and make me feel stupid and alone. And honestly, it's not worth it.
My friend always makes fun of me for being in regular Biology and I got mad so I told her that the only difference between my class and her class is that her class is "more faster". A simple grammatical mistake like that and she mocks me and says, " is that why you're in English regulars too?".

I laughed. Only because I didn't want people to see I was hurt.

But I was hurt. Really hurt. And I cant even say anything to her about it because I know she will just laugh it off as if it was no big deal and say she's sorry and didn't mean it.

She just doesn't seem to understand what's coming out of her mouth and the impact it has on people.


I love you. I really do, but if you cant stop insulting me like that, then something has got to give.

I FEEL LIKE NOBODY CARES!

That's what I want to yell to everybody in this wretched world. To me it is as if I have to play stupid just to keep up with everyone. And what's worse is that I feel that even my friends don't notice the pain I'm in. The thought of hurting myself comes into my mind more and more everyday. The fantasy of staying in that white hospital bed with nobody around becomes ever more comforting.

When I was at the peak of my depression, I used to have this fantasy that I was standing in a huge open field of tall crab grass, no house, roads, cars near. The clouds look as if they are going to drop rain, but they never do. The air smells of a storm and thunder can be heard in the distance. There is not another human for miles, I'm alone...peaceful and undisturbed. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it, that longing for something I cant have. I should try and think more positive, but the more positive I get the more negative I realise I can be. It is as if nothing matters anymore. Nothing is important. Not school, friends, lovers, not even family. I secretly wish I could be taken from this world, with no memory of me to anyone I ever met.

Nothing.

As if I never existed.