I FEEL LIKE NOBODY CARES!

That's what I want to yell to everybody in this wretched world. To me it is as if I have to play stupid just to keep up with everyone. And what's worse is that I feel that even my friends don't notice the pain I'm in. The thought of hurting myself comes into my mind more and more everyday. The fantasy of staying in that white hospital bed with nobody around becomes ever more comforting.

When I was at the peak of my depression, I used to have this fantasy that I was standing in a huge open field of tall crab grass, no house, roads, cars near. The clouds look as if they are going to drop rain, but they never do. The air smells of a storm and thunder can be heard in the distance. There is not another human for miles, I'm alone...peaceful and undisturbed. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it, that longing for something I cant have. I should try and think more positive, but the more positive I get the more negative I realise I can be. It is as if nothing matters anymore. Nothing is important. Not school, friends, lovers, not even family. I secretly wish I could be taken from this world, with no memory of me to anyone I ever met.

Nothing.

As if I never existed.